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The Home of the Cyber Shark(s)

BBBAAAAAWWWWW is the sound they make…. that's descriptive enough, right?

It’s out. It’s fantastic. It’s gorgeous. Every geek you knohas barraccaded themselves in their rooms/houses/office/etc… with a 3 year supply of their favroite food…and maybe some empty bottles for peeing. Why? Because Skyrim is out. Bethesda has released their newest amazing role playing experience for gamers to obsess over, and yet I will never play it.

Why?

Sigh…. because. Because I know exactly what I’m going to do in this game, it’s the same thing I do in every Elder Scrolls game. I am going to get bored almost immediately.

Because when I play RPGs where I canmake my character be whatever I want, I invariably choose a thief, with a high charisma skill – because I love stealing shit and charming the pants off of people while I do it.

I can tell youexactly what will happen if I ever touch Skyrim:

I will make a character, probably an Argonian, they make good thieves…and can swim… which is important. I will go through the opening mission, and once I can do whatever the hell I want, I will spend my time sleeping during the day, and picking locks at night. I will talk to everyone and use my charisma to charm those dumb townies while I pick their pockets. I will get arrested and go to jail, do my time, and then wander around fighting things and just walking until I find another town to do the same exact thing. Because I’m me, I will inevitably come to a swamp or ocean or random pool of water that pops up out of nowhere, and, if I weren’t an Argonian, I’d spent the next few seconds trying to not drown, and will drown.

I may reload, but it’ll just be more of the same. It’s not that the gameplay is shallow, it’s that I need the main storyline to be like “Hey, listen, I’m glad you enjoy exploring the world, but you’ve got shit to do here… lives at stake, a great balancing of powers, wrongs to right. Chippy Choppy.”

 

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